Angel in her pocket

After the tragic loss of a daughter, Sukey Forbes '87 writes memoir about life on the other side of grief.

From time to time, Roanoke College magazine has included news about alumni who have had books published. But in the past year, the number seemed to swell, as did the variety in literary style and genre. Sukey Forbes '87 is one of several alumni whose recently released books represent that diversity.

In the summer of 2004, Sukey Forbes '87 had it all: a handsome and successful husband; three beautiful children; a comfortable lifestyle; and an impeccable family lineage. Her roots extended on her father's side back to Ralph Waldo Emerson, the essayist, and John Murray Forbes, the business magnate. Her mother descended from the Saltonstalls, upstanding Boston Brahmins.
  
Then life turned upside down. On Aug. 18, 2004, her 6-year-old daughter, Charlotte, died suddenly of malignant hyperthermia, a rare genetic disorder.

Forbes was mired in inconsolable pain and grief in the weeks and months following the tragic loss of her middle child. What happened? How could a creature so lively, so dear, so herself, be here one day and gone the next?

The Forbes family tendency to maintain stiff upper lips, even in the face of unspeakable tragedy, compounded and extended the grieving process. Forbes didn't know what to feel or how to grieve or, on the most elemental level, how to get through the day. She felt guilty that she wasn't able to be a good wife to her husband Michael or a good mother to her son Cabot, who was 8 when Charlotte died, or daughter Beatrice, who was 3. She felt guilty if she laughed. She'd lost her zest for life. On top of it all, she couldn't accept that her daughter Charlotte was gone.

Years later, Forbes decided to write a book about her daughter's death to help other people who had experienced such a calamitous experience. She wanted to write a book with a positive message, one that would show that there can be joy and life on the other side of grief.

The following excerpt from Chapter One of her book. "Angel in My Pocket: A Story of Love, Loss and Life After Death," conveys Forbes' thoughts during the early stages of what she now calls the "AC" ("After Charlotte") period.

"She loved to run through the fields and see shapes in the clouds and catch snakes and turtles out by the lake. But she also loved princesses, and as she began to learn to read and write, most of the stories she composed were about her own variations on Snow White and Cinderella. I remember her, just days before she died, dancing through a neighbor's garden, hopping about to taste each and every variety of arugula. I also remember her during berry-picking season. She'd just come back from a birthday party and was purple all over from making jam in the kitchen, but on top of the berry stains her face was painted like a tiger's.

"A fairy princess and a critter catcher. A tiger who made jam. A middle child who nonetheless ruled the roost. The mystery that haunted me during my first months without her was: What happened to all these contradictions? All this exuberance? What about all this joy? They say my daughter died, but where exactly did my daughter go?" 

As Forbes reflects on this time, she says, "I faced three stark choices: to die, to exist or to live. I couldn't die because I had a husband and two kids to take care of. I didn't want just to exist because that was a living death. I wanted to live. I wanted to get through the grief, but I couldn't find a roadmap." 

In trying to find a roadmap, Forbes read books about death and grieving and confided in friends and others who had lost a child. While in the searching process, a friend suggested that Forbes visit a medium. Filled with skepticism, Forbes attended a group session with the medium the friend had recommended, along with about 500 other people. At one point, the medium looked in Forbes' direction, and said, "I'm getting a girl. She's about 7 years old. She died very suddenly. She has other siblings."

Forbes was stunned but still skeptical until the medium came over to her and described some things and events that she couldn't possibly have known in advance.

"I walked out of the auditorium weak-kneed and trembling, but also on a cushion of air," Forbes said. "I was thinking, 'OK, my daughter has come through and she's OK. She's more than OK; she's been dead for seven months, and I think I just had a conversation with her!" 

Forbes acknowledges that talk of ghosts and the spirit world come naturally to her and the many members of the Forbes clan who've spent time on Naushon, the family's island retreat off Cape Cod, for the last 150 years. As the book jacket notes, "The Forbes family archives hold records of ancestors who believed in reincarnation and studied mysticism, and apparitions have long been a familiar sight at their private island of Naushon."

Sukey Forbes stands today on the other side of grief, capable of laughter and joy, clear on her priorities, grateful for her blessings, optimistic about her future.

In explaining her decision to write this moving memoir, Forbes says, "I wanted to add to the conversation about grief, whether it's grieving about the death of a family member or about any severe loss. And I wanted to remind people to think about what's really important in life."

- David Treadwell