Frank Shushok column: College advice from a parent still learning as a president

The excellent advice I had offered parents over the years now was mine to practice. I had no idea that what I had gently coached others to do as an administrator would be so hard to practice as a parent.

First, I was supposed to remember that our son’s successes or failures no longer were our responsibility, but his. This would mean setting up our relationship parameters with general expectations, and extending significant degrees of freedom for our son to explore his own goals, identities and life management details.

I was white-knuckled and sometimes gut-punched as I tried to stand by and watch him thrive without our help, or procrastinate without much self-awareness, or fall short in an academic, social or leadership effort. But I had the opportunity to watch our son “become.” His first year in college was not so much about success or failure. It was about becoming himself — growth made possible only through his independent choices apart from his parents.

Even though I knew his experience was valuable, I had to wrestle with whether what he was “becoming” met my definition of success. I wondered whether I, like many parents, might be pressing “success” too hard, which I know can ramp up our kids’ stress and anxiety.

With a little time behind me since my son’s first year of college, I am waking up to some important insights — none more important than the revelation that I, too, was experiencing a major transition. Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson describes eight stages of psychosocial development, one of which takes place between ages 40 and 65.